Happy Birthday Mom

My gorgeous young mom. I am not sure how hold she was here, but I think she was somewhere around 20.



About 2 years before she died. STILL GORGEOUS!


This beauty is my mom. This is kind of a hard and personal post, but I sort of feel the urge to share it. Yesterday was my mom's 45th birthday. She would have been 45. She died 3 years ago from alcohol poisoning. She was an alcoholic.

My mom was only 14 when she got pregnant with me and only 15 when I was born. While she was pregnant, she married my dad who was 20. She fell right into the housewife role. She used to home-make all of my baby food. She would talk about spending hours cooking and then blending carrots, peas and even beef. My sister was born when she was only 17 and at only 18 years old, she and my dad were divorced and she was thrust into a world were she was only a teenager, but with 2 kids in tow. I think anyone can imagine how hard that would be. When I was 9, my dad died in a plane crash and now, at only 24, she was a single mother.

Just over a year before she died, there was a close call with her life. She had drank too much alcohol and taken too many sleeping pills. She spent the night in the hospital where the doctors told us that she had come close to dying from overdose/alcohol poisoning. I told my mom how terrifying that was and asked her to please get help so that me and my sister didn't end up parent-less. She told me that she would never want that to happen and that she would never intentionally leave us.

Here is the thing about my mom. She may have struggled with being a mom so young, but she excelled at pouring us over with LOVE. There was never a moment that I doubted or felt unloved. She always told us how proud she was of us and she would tell anyone that would listen about her beautiful daughters. She would whip out the photos, because no one believed she was our mom (she looked more like a sister), and tell them "these are my daughters!" She would tell them how proud she was that she was our mom. Once a long time ago, I asked her why she kept me when she was so young. I asked her if she had ever thought about getting an abortion. She said NEVER! She told me that it had never entered her mind. All she thought was okay, I'm having a baby.

So, when my mom died, I had nightmares that she wasn't at peace. It would consume my day. I imagined that once she realized she was dead, she would be freaking out about having left us, worried about us and trying to get back to us. I just simply imagined her being a tortured soul. I wanted so badly to know where she had gone. I would ask out loud, "Mom, where are you. I love you and miss you and I don't know where you are". I agonized over it. I've struggled with spirituality and God. I've struggled with the question of where we go. Do we still exist and how do we exist. I don't understand how we can love someone so much, need someone so much and then just like that, they are gone. No more hugs, no more love... nothing.

One night, about a year and a half after she died, I had a dream. I could see my mom in front of me. She was dressed in white (or bathed in white) and she was walking toward me with her hand outstretched to me. I was walking toward her too and my hand was outstretched to her. We walked toward each other and I was aware that there was this invisible wall between us. When we got close to each other, my mom's hand reached through the invisible barrier and touched mine. As soon as she touched mine, she became very real to me and I could feel her. When I say I could feel her, I mean I could feel her spirit and energy surrounding me and I could feel her love like a warm blanket enveloping me. She told me that she loved me... then I woke up. The second I became aware, I knew that my mom had come to see me and tell me she was okay. It had felt so real and she was telling me that she still exists.

I still struggle with all the big questions, but I don't agonize anymore about whether my mom is at peace. I know that she still exists, that she loves me and that I will see her again. I don't know why I had the urge to share all this, but I hope that for those of you who read it, there is something you can take from it that will add to your life.

Be Well and God Bless.